The Caucasian Report - "I Love You Phillip Morris" (2010)

~Glorious gambits and grand profits~
I had wanted to see this movie for a while, but life had gotten in the way of me actually seeing it until recently. I know what you must be thinking, how could life get in the way of seeing a Jim Carrey movie? Well, I am just as stumped as you are. While we may never have the answer to this question, I will answer the questions you have been dying to know about this movie: is it really about a gay con man? Yes. Do Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor make a cute couple? Debatable. Does it score a 10 on the laugh-o-meter? No. I was expecting this movie to be hilarious, and while there are definitely some funny parts, it is not meant to be extremely comical. Regardless, I enjoyed this movie and it is definitely worth seeing.

The movie opens with Steven Russell (Jim Carrey) explaining his life as a police officer, husband, and father. Everything seems completely normal for a while, until Steven gets into a car accident and has a moment of clarity—he wants to live the gay life. While still recovering in the hospital, he tells his wife Debbie (Leslie Mann), who is shocked of course, and leaves for Florida to start a new life. The problem is that living the gay life is expensive. In an effort to sustain a lavish lifestyle, Steven starts conning his way into massive amounts of money. He winds up in prison, where he meets Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor), and almost immediately falls in love. What follows is their love story, complete with elaborate prison escapes and even more convincing cons.

Believe it or not, I think that Carrey might not have been the best actor to cast as the lead. This role highlighted his biggest weakness, crying scenes, and everything that goes along with it (like expressing modesty and humility). I always think the same thing when Carrey starts to cry on the screen: "This is a stretch.” However, McGregor was perfect as the character of Phillip Morris, and I was impressed with his performance. He portrayed the fearful outcast extremely well, as he was able to express vulnerability a lot better than Carrey. The plot was a bit jumpy, weaving between the past and the present several times. In that sense, it is one of those movies you have to pay attention to in order to understand what is going on. There are a few emotionally satisfying scenes scattered through the movie, so wait for those before you make any hard-and-fast judgments. This movie is like watching paint dry on a straight plaster mold and then realizing, upon more careful inspection, it is queerer than you first thought.


By WhiteChick

The Minority Report - "Rubber" (2010)

“All great films, without exception, contain an important element of no reason.”
A movie about a tire—yes, I was interested immediately. Before I knew it, I had already shown the trailer to four people, including V-Dawg. The reaction I got was the same: they would not pay money to see the movie. I disagreed. I felt that it was original and quirky enough to merit an opportunity. After a while, V-Dawg called me up and said that “Rubber” was playing in a theater near us and that we should go. Surprised by the change of opinion, I happily agreed. We took a group of people to watch the film, and what follows is my attempt at making sense out of nonsense.

The movie begins with a police officer talking to everyone watching the movie about the importance of nonsense in movies. Things, according to him, happen for no reason whatsoever, and he claims that the movie will take this basic tenet of the film industry to a new level. When he leaves, it is revealed that he was talking to a group of people that will be watching a movie. The only difference is that they are watching the ‘movie’ play out in real time and in real life through binoculars from a mountaintop next to a small town and a desert. Here’s where the story truly begins, for out in the desert lies a lonesome truck tire. Slowly, the tire is observed as it comes to life and moves on its own. The audience follows it in a voyage of self-discovery and consciousness as it attempts to make sense of the world around it. When it discovers a can on the ground, it rolls over it and crushes it. In its glee, it continues crushing miscellaneous objects until it comes across a scorpion and crushes it as well. It seems to notice that the animal was alive before, but that it had taken its life away. Taking some sort of sadistic pleasure from this fact, it continues crushing and killing small objects and animals until it comes across a glass bottle. Because of its sturdiness, the bottle isn’t broken by the continued assault of the psychotic tire. It becomes angered to the point where its entire body shakes and emanates some strange heat and sound until the bottle breaks apart—the tire also possesses telekinesis. It continues to kill other animals until it comes across a man in a gas station and kills him too. Now it is up to the police squad to find out who the mysterious killer is and why it is doing such things in an effort to provide the best entertainment to the audience that is still watching on the mountaintop.

This story within a story is, as V-Dawg very aptly put it, an anti-movie. The basic premise—a telekinetic psycho tire that achieves consciousness—is as ridiculous as it is far-fetched. With very distinct nods to famous movies throughout, irony and dark humor saturate the film. The filmmakers have to be given credit for creating a movie based around a main character that is literally a tire. Watching this film, you will feel everything from intrigue and sadness to confusion. The thing is, that is the point. It makes fun of movies and, consequently, of itself. It is a movie that fulfills the job of spreading its message of not taking anything seriously, seriously. The ultimate irony in the film is that in all its nonsense, it gets the point across beautifully and artistically. Even though it can be slow at times, it was an enjoyable tale of a tire that got a bit carried away. This movie is like watching paint dry on the side of a tire baking under the desert sun.


By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "The Social Network" (2010)

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.”
People are calling a staple of our time. That’s a reasonable statement, considering the movie is about Facebook. This film has been getting rave reviews all over the place and most of the only people complaining are the tech blogs (for legitimate reasons). The thing is, when a movie about Facebook comes out, what can you really expect? It’s interesting to note the developments from 2004 onwards as described by the movie, but it never ceases to amaze me how much people believe from movies these days. They are works of fiction for a reason. Even the most convincing ones are still fiction. Apart from that, though, let it be recognized that Jesse Eisenberg did an absolutely phenomenal job as the story’s lead role. The script is, for sure, one to be admired. Besides that, though, David Fincher let me down a bit.

The story centers around a young man by the name of Mark Zuckerberg, whom is currently attending Harvard University and dating a girl named Erica Albright (Rooney Mara). She, of course, dumps him because of his terrible personality traits, which sets him on his course to become one of the Internet’s greats. His roommate and best friend, Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), a business guru, aides him on this journey after dear old Zuckerberg comes up with the idea for Facebook when he begins working with a pair of rich Olympians known as the Winkelvoss’s (Armie Hammer). Doing everything but stealing the idea, he goes on the high road to create what is the most successful social networking site of the present day. Along the way, he meets people that test his friendship, commitment to Facebook, and his beliefs and values. Tearing it apart is the name of the game in Zuckerberg’s life from this point on. The rest is just history.

The first scene really set the mood of the whole movie: witty and intelligent comments followed by lazy scene transitions. For me, most of the acting consisted of merely stating the lines and getting it over with. There was emotion behind it, but it just felt forced and fake. The scenery and colors didn’t help much either. Drab and dark blues and greens don’t make for a movie that will effectively transmit the intricacy of not just the situations it was trying to portray, but also the emotions involved. The soft camera pans and the smooth, linear transitions didn’t allow the true emotions being portrayed to be felt. It was almost as if the movie was muting itself. All in all, it is a fine movie to watch if you have time, but nothing really memorable. Saddening, really, considering that it is based off something that is quite memorable, indeed. This movie is like watching paint dry on the Facebook home screen as it refuses to load the next page.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Buried" (2010)

“I need one million dollars by nine o'clock tonight or I'll be left to die in this coffin!”
This was a movie that both V-Dawg and I were dying to see. He would always bring it up when talking about movies and bother me to no end saying, “when are we gonna see ‘Buried’?!” Finally, we saw it, and I must say that I was very impressed with Ryan Reynolds’s acting in it. He frequently delivers sub-par movies, but he did an excellent job with this one. In all honesty, the beginning was a bit flimsy on his part, but he recovered excellently afterwards. I came in expecting an honest drama, but came out realizing that it was a suspense thriller bordering on sheer horror. It was intense and enjoyable if you like the feeling of claustrophobia continually throughout the movie.

The story revolves around a man by the name of Paul Conroy. He used to be a truck driver working for a company in the Middle East. His truck convoy was ambushed and some of his friends were killed. Paul awakens inside a coffin with only a lighter and a BlackBerry, being apparently buried alive. He was kidnapped and placed there by insurgents attempting to get ransom money by burying Americans in different locations. Paul ends up going through hell to attempt to figure out what exactly happens and how he can get out alive. Reaching everywhere, from the State Department and FBI to his family and friends, he attempts to find help wherever he can. Instead, he discovers that ineptitudes and lies are closer to him than the coffin in which he lies.

Possibly one of the most brilliant movies I have seen in a while, I fully recommend it to anyone that isn’t afraid of feeling incredibly sad. The mood throughout is one of desperation and it makes you feel the true confines of possible solutions. The coffin is used very well as a cinematographic device. In some scenes, the camera zooms out, and all you can see is the outline of the box in the middle of pitch black. Other times, the camera keeps flying upwards, and the walls of the box stretch with it, higher and higher. It can successfully transmit the feeling of claustrophobia, or being trapped in an endless hole with the same, wooden walls stretching to infinity. This movie is definitely not like watching paint dry on the sand within a coffin, buried somewhere in the Middle East.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Black Swan" (2010)

Some will hail “Black Swan,” as a cinematic masterpiece. They will find this movie to be a profound, intelligent, suspense driven drama that will go down as a classic through the ages. While others will call it indie garbage and an excuse to watch Natalie Portman strokes her va-jay-jay for two hours. My opinion of the movie rests somewhere in the middle as it is not the greatest movie ever created and also not the worst. Coming out of the theater, all I could utter was “Eh.” I know that others will argue with me about my apathetic review of this movie and others will agree with it. I seem to have the same problem with all of Darren Aronofsky’s ("Requiem for a Dream", "The Wrestler") films. I know I will always rest on the “I do not get it” part of the audience when it comes to these types of films. A film like this, you have to approach with the pace of an over analytical art critic strolling through the Louvre, which does not make for an entertaining afternoon. Instead, it makes for one with yawns and images you cannot understand. At times, the movie shoves the fact that it has deeper meaning and practically screams that it thinks itself a visual masterpiece. This makes it at times come off as pretentious.

The film follows Nina (Natalie Portman), a ballet dancer who soon finds herself in the lead role of Swan Lake. Nina is selected because of her perfection for the white swan part of the production, but slowly loses her mind and transforms into the part she so desperately desires—the black swan. Mila Kunis ("The Book of Eli") also plays the seductive Lily, who just adds paranoia to Nina, fueling her delusions. It is a trip through the rabbit hole.

The film is average in the sense of story, is filled with unnecessary scenes, but the cinematography is top notch. Some shots are especially remarkable. The use of mirrors is equally as astonishing. The way it is filmed is unique and makes the film truly art. Yet, even art can leave one uninspired and with a sense of “eh.” The film is nothing special and I know others will argue. It is not necessarily bad, just not special. You never get the feeling of “I am watching a masterpiece.” At times I felt that my money was spent on soft core porn with a suspenseful story. It leaves a lot for the viewer to interpret. All in all, it is like watching abstract art by a famous artist with a name you cannot pronounce, and at the end of the day you still do not know the point of, dry.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" (2010)

“That's it! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!”
Fantastic, highly-anticipated, breathtaking visuals—need I say more? I actually saw the trailer to this movie about 6 months before the movie came out (as I usually do…it kind of sucks) and I had been awaiting it ever since. What caught my attention was the actual filming. The movie looked like it was going to be a cross between a comic book and a video game. I had no idea how correct I was. I watched this movie with V-Dawg and we both fought over who would write this review because we enjoyed it so much. After that, I watched it 2 more times for good measure, something I rarely do with movies. Usually they aren’t worth revisiting until a while later, but this one was too much of a good time to pass up.

The basic premise of the story is that there is a guy by the name of Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), who is pretty much your average guy who’s in a band, has a high school girlfriend (even though he’s already into his 20’s), and lives in a pseudo comic book/video game-like world. All is going well in his life until he sees Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). She is perhaps the quirkiest girl anyone will ever see, and he falls in love with her instantly. The cost of his attraction to her? He must defeat her seven evil exes to stake a claim on her heart. In what proceeds like a live-action comic strip, he faces each of them as the movie gets closer and closer to comic book fiction, quickly learning who he is, who she is, and how to break up with a high schooler.

The movie really impressed me because it managed to be a really honest comedy. Some of the dialogue was purposefully dumb and coated in bad puns because of the movie’s attempt at imitating a comic strip. Also, many songs and sequences in the movie are references to different videogames from different times, so a certain geek knowledge base is a must for one to fully enjoy the movie. Apart from that, nothing brings more joy to my heart than seeing intensely colored lightning bolts come out of a punch to the face, the words “riiiiiiiing” appear on screen and vanish as they trail to the phone, or the letters K.O. appear when Scott beats one of his opponents. Overall, the movie is a sight to behold simply because of its great laughs, amazing sequences, and stunning visual cinematography and special effects. It is definitely not like watching paint dry on a comic book rendition of a classic, 8-bit video game.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "The Expendables" (2010)

"Next time, I'll deflate all your balls, friend."
Guns, women, blood, violence, coarse language, action, explosions, and, of course, tons of old actors that primarily did action films. I have just described for you the film, “The Expendables.” “The Expendables” is nothing more then an action flick, but it certainly is nothing less than an action film. In fact, I could have walked in with a checklist of action movie stereotypical scenes and there would have been multiple checks next to each one. This does not mean this movie is boring; it just means it is predictable.

Let us be honest here…if you walked into this movie looking for a profound experience that would alter your entire existence, you obviously have never seen an action movie. Action films are about big, flashy scenes of crazy explosions, shallow dialogue, awesome stunts, and fight scenes galore. The story is about mercenaries (Stallone, Statham, Li, Crews, and Couture) that have to overthrow this general who is in cahoots with a rogue FBI agent (Eric Roberts). The plot is that simple, and it rolls with it. There are also some twists and various events that spice up the standard action template that this movie follows so diligently.

This movie could have afforded to break the mold even a little bit, but instead, it just pumped the movie up with pure star power. There are so many action legends that it is enough to satisfy your action needs for years to come. This movie is perfect for you and your guy friends. With a group of dudes, you will come in with a grin and come out high fiving. Go with a girl on a first date and you will leave without the girl, as she left after the extremely gory (yet epically awesome) ten minutes. So this movie is not like watching paint dry, it is more like looking at a mural that includes every action star ever and throws it together in a familiar setting.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "The Last Airbender" (2010)

“He will need you... and we all need him.”
I’m going to go ahead and start off by saying that I am a big fan of the original series. The thing with movies that are based off of something is that they will not be an exact replica. Keeping that in mind, when I went to see it, I forgot all about the television series and began with a blank slate. I had also heard for about a week (because movies come out a week later where I am currently) that the movie was absolutely terrible from everyone and everywhere (from friends to rotten tomatoes). I still held some level of hope, though.

Like the series, the movie is about an alternate earth where there are 4 nations that represent the 4 elements (Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water). Each nation practices different martial arts styles that make some of the people able to control their respective element, which is called “bending”. Legend tells of the avatar, who has the unique ability to master all 4 elements and rotates through all nations in an infinite reincarnation loop. One hundred years ago, he was born to the Air nation; that was also the time when the Fire nation decided to launch an attack to take over the other nations. When the world needed him most, though, the avatar disappeared. Now, one hundred years later, he has reappeared out of an ice sheet. Aang (Noah Ringer), the new avatar, along with the people that found him—Katara (Nicola Peltz) and Sokka (Jackson Rathbone)—have set out to liberate the nations from the grip of Fire and learn all 4 elements.

So…here we go. The movie wasn’t terrible, but it was bad. That is because of 3 main reasons: the script, the acting, and the editing. I had no problem with the camera angles and shots, as they were modeled after many of the scenes from the series and were pretty artful. What was terrible was the way that the movie was put together. Scenes would come and go with barely any cohesion. Only near the end was the editing bearable. Also, the bad acting coupled with the terrible script that only allowed for one-dimensional characters made the movie somewhat hard to watch. The only part of the movie that was fun to watch was the fighting and “bending” scenes because of the fantastic special effects created by Industrial Light and Magic. This movie is definitely like watching paint dry on a wall filled with ancient martial arts drawings and weird hybrid animals.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Despicable Me" (2010)

"Despicable Me" is despicably cute. There is no way to escape this fact about the movie. It bathes itself in this fact. It knows it’s adorable and takes advantage of it like a little kitten in the pound looking to be adopted. If this movie really was a kitten in the pound waiting to be adopted and you suddenly met eyes with this adorable little fluff ball, you would fall in love instantly. This is the exact effect this movie had on me. I fell hard for the cute comedy and quirky attributes that drive this film. Even though it is a cute film, it also has its flaws. As with its humor, as some jokes may miss the intended audience. There are some moments that fall flat. Also, Steve Carell as the voice of the lead never truly feels like he is an evil genius. With these issues aside, this movie was the perfect kids (and, let’s face it, all ages) movie.

The story is about Gru (voiced by Steve Carell). Gru is a super, evil genius that is a tad past his prime. Well, Gru gets this great idea to steal the moon. To steal the moon, he needs the aid of the crazy gadgets that he uses as if nothing in everyday occurrences. He also has an army of crazy, little, yellow, jelly bean looking minions that help in boosting the comic relief, and help a crazy old inventor (voiced by Russel Brand). Things hit a snag in his plan fast, and Gru then acquires the possession of three little orphan girls by the names of Margo, Edith, and Agnes. This is a cute little movie that is all about Gru discovering his true self as a villain, son, and a dad.

This movie was entertaining, and it was impossible not to smile. Try as you might to not show off that you have an inner child, it will shine through in this movie. I even found myself fighting off tears (Hey guys, it’s okay to show off your sensitive side here and there. The chicks love it.). This movie is nowhere near profound or really endearing, yet it has tons of charm something a lot of movies this day and age lack. Also, its unique art style was highly appreciated and flowed well with its extremely polished animation. This movie is like watching a 5 year old paint an adorable (yet piss poor) painting of her family—it may not be the best, but you will still hang it on your fridge.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Toy Story 3" (2010)

"Quiet musical hog!"
Like the Facebook group says: “Move out of the way, kids! I’ve been waiting for this movie for 11 years!” It is true. Ever since Toy Story 2 came out, there had been rumors of a third installment. As soon as I heard that this movie was coming out, I instantly became excited beyond belief and readied myself for the awesomeness. For some reason, I knew that Pixar wouldn’t let me down. Considering the fact that the previous two movies were pretty much masterpieces, it would not be an easy task to compare, much less top what had already been created.

The basic premise of the movie is that Andy (John Morris), the kid who was a secret protagonist (he owns the toys) in all of the other movies, is leaving for college and has to decide what to do with his old toys, who have been sitting in a chest untouched for many years. Like a typical teenager, he doesn’t want to outwardly show that he still has fond memories of them and doesn’t want to give them away. As of right now, only the main cast of toys remain, as the others have been given away or sold over the years, so Andy decides to store them in the attic instead of throwing them away. His mom mistakes the bag he was carrying them in for trash, and takes it outside, but Woody (Tom Hanks), who was the only toy that Andy decided to take to college, tries to save them. They all manage to escape and think that Andy actually meant to throw them away, so they choose to leave to a daycare called Sunnyside instead, where they will be played with every day. What ensues is an adventure that Woody, Buzz (Tim Allen), Jessie (Joan Cusack), and the gang could not have predicted.

This movie is most definitely the last of the series. It is also most definitely another masterpiece of Pixar craftsmanship. Everything is covered: from depth of character to a plotline that can make the most hardened soul as soft as Lots-O (Ned Beatty) the strawberry-smelling, hugging bear. I had heard from multiple people that it was hard not to cry in the movie and I didn’t believe them. By the end of the movie, after much breathing deeply and attempts at containment, I was crying my eyes out. It is truly a touching story that both delights and saddens. The end gives you a strange sense of heartrending nostalgia, and yet contains an inherent happiness that just aids in the saddening feeling (you will see why). Filled with moments of hilarity and melancholy, this movie is a must-see for people of all ages—you definitely won’t regret it. This movie is not at all like watching paint in the shape of toys dry.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "The A-Team" (2010)

"I love it when a plan comes together."
As soon as this movie hit theaters, I was ready to see it. I have seen the original series and, considering the fact that it was an influence to the blockbuster series Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 and the television series Leverage, I was excited to see a full-length feature adaptation. Besides that, it was going to be interesting seeing the casting that took place for B.A. Baracus (Quinton Jackson), a character originally played by Mr. T. So, for father’s day, because my mom and dad were big fans of the original series as well, we headed out to the nearest theater to enjoy.

The movie opens up with the story of how the members of The A-Team found each other. John “Hannibal” Smith (Liam Neeson) makes a plan to take down some criminals in Mexico and, in the process, gets his partner, Tempelton “Face” Peck (Bradley Cooper), caught. He escapes from a trap and heads out through the desert to rescue his friend, where he hijacks a GMC Vandura van (the famous A-Team series van) that is being driven by B.A. Baracus. They immediately bond because of their involvement in the American armed forces (B.A. is in the Rangers). They work together to rescue Face and then flee to pick up a pilot they hired, whom is literally insane. Stopping at a mental institution, they find H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock (Sharlto Copley), feigning that he is a doctor and being dragged away by the medical professionals that are caring for him. They release him into the custody of Hannibal and they all head out in a medical helicopter. As they are taking off, they throw objects off of the helicopter and accidentally destroy the van to the dismay of B.A. Being chased by the criminals in the air now, they escape various missiles and traps by doing aerial acrobatics that leave B.A. terrified of flying, and end up in American airspace, where the Mexican criminals get blown out of the air. Now, they work together doing missions of utmost importance until they are tricked by a group of Black Ops marines and jailed for a crime they did not commit. They then promptly escape from jail and seek to clear their names.

The more I watched this movie, the more fond memories returned of the old series. Even though there is more action involved with the plans that Hannibal concocts, it still retains that spark from the old series. The whole point of the series was to offer up a group of people that acted in a MacGyver-like way to escape from any situation. The critics that you will see around give this movie mixed reviews because they dislike this type of crazy and almost plotless action that resolves itself in a crazy way. I like plotlines that are well set up and this one, surprisingly, is. It remains faithful to the series while adding some new flare that is instantly enjoyable. If you like wacky humor that is honestly funny or crazy antics that could only come from The A-Team, then this movie is for you. This movie is like watching paint dry if the paint runs missions in a covert fashion as it attempts to clear its name.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Get Him to the Greek" (2010)

"Where are you? Why haven't you called? I'm calling you right now and I just got hit by a motherfucking car."
I watched this movie quite a while back. If anything, it must be the most hyped up comedy this summer. It was pretty much plastered on every wall and displayed every 5 seconds on the television. Being a somewhat indirect yet direct spin-off of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", this movie centers around one of the secondary characters in that film, Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), and expands his universe so everyone gets to know who he is. I basically watched it because it was everywhere and, I must admit, it had me curious. I did not know what to expect, but I was ready.

The premise of the movie is simple…Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) has 72 hours to get Mr. Snow to The Greek for a show. He works for an agency called Pinnacle Records and is used to music and all that it encompasses. His girlfriend is Daphne (Elisabeth Moss), and they seem to have a one-sided (my opinion) relationship. He is a big fan of Aldous Snow, but not of his latest release, which has basically bombed in sales. Because of it, his career is in decline and his girlfriend, Jackie Q (Rose Byrne), has left him. At Aaron Green’s behest, Sergio Roma (Sean “Diddy” Combs) sends him to transport Snow to a show in The Greek to regain his spot as the greatest rock star of all time. What ensues is a wacky, insane, and painfully memorable trip that takes them pretty much everywhere.

All in all, the movie was very enjoyable. Undoubtedly, many people will be repeating lines from this movie for a while. The thing is, it is a good movie, but it is not memorable. It’s good to watch end enjoy, but you will not be recalling it when watching another comedy, saying “That’s like Get Him to the Greek.” It just won’t happen. Furthermore, it was a bit less funny than it was cracked up to be (notice I didn’t say it wasn’t funny, because it was). In the end, surprisingly, it has a little message to take home to your everyday life. Very enjoyable and quite funny, so go watch it and enjoy. This movie is like watching paint dry…if the paint is on a furry wall (you will get it if you see it).

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Dear John" (2010)

“No matter where you are in the world, the moon is never bigger than your thumb.”
Before you read any further, I want to say that this is my 1st Nicholas Sparks movie. I have heard much against his works (books), and much talk of “chick-flicks” or repetition. Considering this was my first viewing, it is a fresh start and, honestly, I didn’t dislike it like I thought I would. The movie was actually enjoyable. Even though the film was fraught with clichés and a foreseeable plotline (except for probably one major part), it is, above all, a nice movie that gives people the sad hopefulness that they were probably looking for when they decided to view it.

It centers on a man named John (Channing Tatum) that falls for a nice girl named Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) after he saves her purse from the dangers of slightly deep waters next to a pier. Their relationship then takes off for the huge expanse of 2 weeks, after which they openly admit that they have fallen for each other. John, though, is a military man, and must return for service. Leaving his lonely father, new acquaintances, and new love behind, he heads to the front lines in many army missions. Throughout the time he is away (12 months), he and Savannah agree that they will correspond via letters where they will detail everything about their lives to each other. Thus, their relationship takes off…and the law of entropy takes hold.

Overall, the movie is a nice break from the fast-paced and the comedy. The cinematography is somewhat stale: the main shots used are stills and lazy pans that make the movie move rather slowly. Apart from that, the clichés in the movie are undeniable (falling in love in 2 weeks, maintaining a relationship through letters, hunky guy with “girl next door,” etc.), and a couple scenes with Amanda Seyfried are acted at a sub-par level on her part. Beyond that, though, the movie was quite pleasant, and the feelings evoked by the main character (Channing Tatum) have the ring of honesty that one doesn’t see much in other movies. In the end, this movie is only worth seeing if you are in the mood for love, or if you have a significant other that you want to cuddle with and comfort. It basically boils down to every other “chick-flick,” but…I enjoyed it. This movie is like watching paint dry if the paint is attempting to make a long-distance relationship work.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" (2010)

“*Muffled Screams and Cries*”
I had the…nauseating…pleasure of watching this movie when some of my friends invited me downstairs to a TV lounge. I had actually heard of the movie and had decided that it was a very original (albeit grotesque) concept, and I wanted to watch it if I had the chance. In all honesty, you can base whether you want to see this movie on the poster above, and on the quote right under it. I personally do not recommend it for people that have…stomachs. I find myself to be a person that can keep anything down when watching gory and horrible scenes in movies, but this movie made me feel ill.

The story revolves around two girls (Ashlynn Yennie and Ashley C. Williams) who get lost in Germany when their car breaks down. They run through the woods in vain to find someone to help, when they come across a house. In it, they are greeted by a demented doctor (Dieter Laser) who specializes in splitting Siamese Twins. Unbeknownst to them, the doctor has a great project planned for the two female specimens. Instead of splitting, he has decided to join…humans. He achieves this by connecting them through the gastrointestinal tract into one horrid creature.

The idea was, quite frankly, too original. The acting was a tad sub-par from the part of the head of the centipede (Akihiro Kitamura), even though all he had to do was scream a lot. The doctor’s character was, in fact, a very interesting creation on the part of Tom Six (the writer, director, etc.), and possessed many aspects to his personality that are revealed slowly throughout the movie. The cinematography is not like that of a normal horror or thriller; rather, the camera flows from scene to scene with an eerie sense of calm that is in a very obvious conflict with the situation at hand. Overall, though, the psychology behind the loss of free will is one that will resound within most of the people who watch this film. Would I recommend this movie to people? No. It is almost too much to take, and it will stay with you for a while after you watch it. Is it worth watching? Yes, actually. That is, if you can stand it (close to half of the viewing audience that watched it with me left before the movie was through). This movie is like watching paint dry…if the paint is connected to each other and forced to eat the prior’s excrement.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Date Night" (2010)

“When he says vagina, he means your face.”
This movie, like many Steve Carell movies, I expected to be full of attempts at comedy and a big failure overall. To my surprise, it was quite enjoyable and, indeed, quite good. Steve Carell and Tina Fey seem to be a match made in comedy heaven. It appears as though they feed off of each other, and their marriage in the movie seems legitimate and believable. Without missing a beat, the story manages to develop the two main characters as a typical married couple. Their personalities complement each other and their charisma is undeniable. The plot leads one through a voyage of discovery from the perspective of the couple. Their interactions are comedic, but also touching. In attempting to get out of their predicament, they discover more about who they are in their marriage.

The plot centers around a tax professional named Phil Foster (Steve Carell) and a real estate agent named Claire Foster (Tina Fey). They have two kids of their own and participate in activities which include book club and a date night every Friday, where they go to the same restaurant, order the same food, and have the same discourses every time. When they find out that one of the married couples with whom they are friends with is getting a divorce, they seek to reignite the spark in their relationship. Deciding to go to a fancy restaurant in New York, they delve upon an insane adventure that will eventually lead them to discover whether they are headed on the same path as their friends or not.

Very enjoyable plot points and situations are readily found in this movie, and the action is steadily maintained. Even though the dialogue is not deep or meaningful in the least (it is a comedy after all), it never gets old witnessing the two get placed in one strange and often awkward situation after another. Overall, this movie was highly enjoyable and packed full of laughs (except for the younglings). It is a little bit like watching paint dry…that is, if the paint is awkward and is married to even more awkward paint.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Daybreakers" (2010)

“Living in a world where vampires are the dominant species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.”
This movie was a pleasant rescue from an otherwise doomed vampire genre thanks to the likes of the “Twilight Saga.” Instead of offering a world where vampires are hiding from the ever-present human race, or attempting to live a semblance of a normal life amongst the humans, this movie examines what a society of vampires would be like. Everything from blood banks to life at night has been, in essence, reverse engineered to reflect what it would be like to live in a world where, like the above quote says, vampires are the dominant species. It all boils down to vampirism being as common as the sun during the day and the stars at night.

The story centers on a pandemic that converted most of the world’s populace into vampires. The few humans left are fighting desperately to survive, and the United State’s marines have been reassigned to capture humans in the blood wars. Because of the scarcity during these days, there is much research into a blood replacement that can be made synthetically and mass-produced. Because of the lack of blood, many vampires have begun a horrible transformation that turns them into savage beasts that resemble most vampires from ancient lore. In comes the protagonist, Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke). He is a hematologist and is working for a cure to the dwindling supplies of blood and the security of the continuation of their species. He is a straight-edge vampire and secretly refuses to drink human blood because of his ever-present respect for them. This puts a strain on familial ties with his brother, who belongs to a group of vampires who hunt humans. Soon, because of his sympathy for the human plight, he meets a group of people attempting to survive, and a man who says he is cured.

This movie, though a legitimate vampire movie, doesn’t focus on the romance, or the secret lives of vampires. Instead, it is about the plight of both the vampires and the humans. While it makes its way through, one gets glimpses into the vampirical society. This was perhaps my favorite parts. They seem to thrive on examining aspects of the vampire collective that one would not typically think of—vampire suicide, daytime driving, the stock market, and forest fires, among others. Apart from the societal aspects, the movie has many sequences that are very artful and elicit a noticeable “lack of light” feeling. All in all, it kept me very entertained, and the slight lack of character depth did not bother me. Its construction imparted the thought that the people knew where the plot was going from the beginning and they wanted to create an atmosphere of darkness so powerful, it was almost representative of solitude. This movie was like watching paint dry, but the paint was of a science fiction future where vandals had drawn fangs on all the people.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Kick-Ass" (2010)

I just got out of the movie “Kick Ass.” I will be honest I am going into this review a tad biased as I have been hyped to see this movie after the first murmur of its creation. For me, the movie had to live up to a higher expectation than a regular viewer. It succeeded and surpassed my expectations—no, it seized my expectations and shredded it with its all around greatness. This movie grabbed me, shook me, and then finally shot me out of a window with a bazooka.

The story starts off slow (which is not a bad thing), introducing the main character of Dave Lizewski. Dave is a very average teenage kid. I can not describe him any more than that, he really is that average. The only thing that sets him apart from others is his dreams of being a super hero. Not a super hero that has special powers or abilities, just an attitude and straight morals. He ends up caught up in this self made world of masked vigilantes and a surprisingly deep conspiracy. The other “super heroes,” are not exactly what you expect, and have much character depth; especially the pair of Big Daddy, played by Nicholas Cage (giving one of his best performances in a long while), and Hit Girl, played by Chloë Moretz ("Diary of a Wimpy Kid", "(500) Days of Summer"), who gives one of the best and most profound performances that I have ever seen in a child actress. Do not expect a simple action movie from this, it’s not (but the action still rocks), the story rivals the best in the genre.

You must go see this movie. There are some things to be wary of before going to see this film. There is a lot of cursing and violence. This movie truly earns the “R” rating, so I implore you not to take your children to this movie, even though it may be tempting with the super hero subject. This movie does what Zombieland did with the zombie genre, but with super hero movies. It may be funny, but it still has an inspiring tale. In fact, I would even dare to say it is easily on par with “The Dark Knight,” a super hero movie with a highly more recognizable character, and a much larger budget.

Lionsgate has truly found the formula for success. They do not have a large budget and don’t need one. They simply need a good story and a compelling telling of the story. The director did a fantastic job with this movie, with its multiple turns and plot changes. I noticed a hint of inspiration from other action orientated directors and movies like “Sin City” and “Kill Bill.” I really must say that it is very rare for me to come out of a movie with absolutely zero complaints. Simply put “Kick Ass,” kicks ass. This movie is the Da Vinci of super hero movies and is not like watching paint dry, in fact this movie makes watching paint dry kick major ass.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Clash of the Titans" (2010)

“Release the Kracken!”
Those words will resonate in your head for hours after viewing “Clash of the Titans.” This movie is a remake of the 1981 epic Greek mythology spin-off. More aptly phrased, it is a highly bad-ass version of the 1981 movie. There is no clay-mation to be found; instead, there are premier special effects, which are mind blowing. They are mind blowing not because they are the best special effects to date, but because they are used efficiently to convey the scenes in an exciting and action oriented way. When you see the computer generated behemoths in action, you can’t but squeal in joy. These action scenes of great proportions will almost make you forget the lack of character development, a very spotty plot, and an overall cheesy film.

The film revolves around a man named Perseus who was found floating in the ocean by a humble fisherman. Lo and behold, Perseus finds out that he is a demigod (“The One”), and becomes the center of a conflict to kill the Gods. This then becomes an overall journey that will bring a team of various warriors together in different locations, where a motley of adversaries try and stop them from their mission to kill the Gods. This movie boils down to any other shallow action movie set in a different location and time period.

I will be straight and say that this movie entertained me. It did not inspire emotion, it did not redefine the action genre, and it did not even make me think. It was an uninspired remake that took the plot of the original and added some 2010 action to the mix. I know it may sound as though I am ragging on this movie pretty harshly, but it was an entertaining night at the movies. I gaped in awe at the spectacles of action and the large beasts that ravaged the land. All in all, this entire movie is like releasing the Kracken! Nah, it’s like watching a 21st century remake of paint drying.

By V-Dawg