The Minority Report - "Immortals" (2011)

“Immortals” is not the epic, “300”-level movie that people were anticipating. It will not be remembered, and will quickly fade from the memories of those who paid for this visual spectacle. This movie is essentially the film equivalent of fireworks. It is pretty to look at, the audience will “ooh” and “ah,” but it will not make you feel any emotion deeper than “man, this is pretty.” Really, this movie is like the hot blonde at the bar: full of attractive looks, but cannot carry on a conversation for longer than five seconds (no offense to blondes, you’re all lovely women). The point is that “Immortals” is not winning any awards, but is capable of holding your attention for the entire running time.

The story follows Theseus (Henry Cavill) and his exploits fighting the Hyperion army led by their king (Mickey Rourke), while the gods intervene to help prevent the release of the titans. The story has been told countless times and is cliché. The dialogue essentially boils down to primitive grunts and gestures. It is just an excuse to drive the story along to lead the audience from one stunning looking local or amazing fight scene to the next. Speaking of the fight scenes, they are over the top, ludicrously bloody, and grizzly—what else could you want!? The acting is as unimpressive as the script. Regardless, this film was entertaining.

In the end, Immortals is nothing too special. It will not change your life or make you think. But, if you are looking for a movie to just turn off your brain after a long week at work, then this movie will do the trick. It is as violent as it is gorgeous. It is like watching a beautiful painting of a shirtless man kicking ass dry.


By V-Dawg

The Caucasian Report - "Bridesmaids" (2011)

~Off the Chain on the Airplane~
When I saw the trailer for this movie, I definitely thought it was going to be the type of movie I would enjoy. It looked like it had everything: two actresses from “Saturday Night Live” and all the crude humor associated with a Judd Apatow film. It had all the potential to be absolutely hysterical. However, most of the movie disappointed me…especially the first half. The people I saw it with thought it was ‘awesome’ or said it was ‘funny-funny,’ but I have to disagree. I would categorize it as ‘decent-funny.’ I would not go out of my way to watch this movie again.

The movie is about a single, middle-aged woman named Annie (Kristen Wiig) going through a rough patch in her life. After losing her bakery due to the recession and taking a major blow to her self-esteem in the process, we see that she has started letting the people in her life push her around. She is paying half the rent for the apartment she shares with two other people, her car is falling apart, and she is holding onto the false hope that the guy she is sleeping with is interested in more than just casual sex. When her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) gets engaged, she asks Annie to be her maid of honor. The engagement party is held at a swanky estate where Annie meets one of Lillian’s new acquaintances: Helen (Rose Byrne). She is an overdressed snob whom Annie feels immediately threatened by. Annie and Helen instantly clash as they each call themselves Lillian’s best friend. A competition to plan the best pre-wedding events, including the bachelorette party and bridal shower, quickly ensues. Unfortunately, everything Annie plans turns out to be one disaster after the next.

I did not enjoy the first half of the movie, as I laughed at maybe 10% of the jokes in that time. I found most of the acting annoying and forced, and some of the jokes went on much longer than necessary. The speech battle between Annie and Helen was funny maybe the first minute, but it definitely didn’t need to go as long as it did. Kristen Wiig’s acting is fine for SNL skits, but it’s a little too one-note and passive to pull off a main character in a feature length film. Most of the supporting actors were ok—nothing terrible, but nothing extraordinary. I did enjoy Melissa McCarthy’s portrayal of the butch of the group; it was crude yet confident, and that’s what made it stand out among the cast. The movie did have some genuinely funny scenes; it’s just too bad they had to happen toward the end of the movie. I found Annie’s misfortune during the airplane scene truly entertaining, and this was the best part of Wiig’s performance. And I do have to give this movie credit for having a developed plotline underneath all the raunchiness. Indeed, what made the second half of the movie better than the first was the character development. To my surprise, the movie actually had an uplifting, dare I say inspirational, message. I will let you watch it to find out what that message is. The first half of this movie is like watching paint dry in an empty paint can, but at least during the second half the can is half full.


By WhiteChick

The Minority Report - "The Social Network" (2010)

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.”
People are calling a staple of our time. That’s a reasonable statement, considering the movie is about Facebook. This film has been getting rave reviews all over the place and most of the only people complaining are the tech blogs (for legitimate reasons). The thing is, when a movie about Facebook comes out, what can you really expect? It’s interesting to note the developments from 2004 onwards as described by the movie, but it never ceases to amaze me how much people believe from movies these days. They are works of fiction for a reason. Even the most convincing ones are still fiction. Apart from that, though, let it be recognized that Jesse Eisenberg did an absolutely phenomenal job as the story’s lead role. The script is, for sure, one to be admired. Besides that, though, David Fincher let me down a bit.

The story centers around a young man by the name of Mark Zuckerberg, whom is currently attending Harvard University and dating a girl named Erica Albright (Rooney Mara). She, of course, dumps him because of his terrible personality traits, which sets him on his course to become one of the Internet’s greats. His roommate and best friend, Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), a business guru, aides him on this journey after dear old Zuckerberg comes up with the idea for Facebook when he begins working with a pair of rich Olympians known as the Winkelvoss’s (Armie Hammer). Doing everything but stealing the idea, he goes on the high road to create what is the most successful social networking site of the present day. Along the way, he meets people that test his friendship, commitment to Facebook, and his beliefs and values. Tearing it apart is the name of the game in Zuckerberg’s life from this point on. The rest is just history.

The first scene really set the mood of the whole movie: witty and intelligent comments followed by lazy scene transitions. For me, most of the acting consisted of merely stating the lines and getting it over with. There was emotion behind it, but it just felt forced and fake. The scenery and colors didn’t help much either. Drab and dark blues and greens don’t make for a movie that will effectively transmit the intricacy of not just the situations it was trying to portray, but also the emotions involved. The soft camera pans and the smooth, linear transitions didn’t allow the true emotions being portrayed to be felt. It was almost as if the movie was muting itself. All in all, it is a fine movie to watch if you have time, but nothing really memorable. Saddening, really, considering that it is based off something that is quite memorable, indeed. This movie is like watching paint dry on the Facebook home screen as it refuses to load the next page.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" (2010)

“That's it! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!”
Fantastic, highly-anticipated, breathtaking visuals—need I say more? I actually saw the trailer to this movie about 6 months before the movie came out (as I usually do…it kind of sucks) and I had been awaiting it ever since. What caught my attention was the actual filming. The movie looked like it was going to be a cross between a comic book and a video game. I had no idea how correct I was. I watched this movie with V-Dawg and we both fought over who would write this review because we enjoyed it so much. After that, I watched it 2 more times for good measure, something I rarely do with movies. Usually they aren’t worth revisiting until a while later, but this one was too much of a good time to pass up.

The basic premise of the story is that there is a guy by the name of Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), who is pretty much your average guy who’s in a band, has a high school girlfriend (even though he’s already into his 20’s), and lives in a pseudo comic book/video game-like world. All is going well in his life until he sees Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). She is perhaps the quirkiest girl anyone will ever see, and he falls in love with her instantly. The cost of his attraction to her? He must defeat her seven evil exes to stake a claim on her heart. In what proceeds like a live-action comic strip, he faces each of them as the movie gets closer and closer to comic book fiction, quickly learning who he is, who she is, and how to break up with a high schooler.

The movie really impressed me because it managed to be a really honest comedy. Some of the dialogue was purposefully dumb and coated in bad puns because of the movie’s attempt at imitating a comic strip. Also, many songs and sequences in the movie are references to different videogames from different times, so a certain geek knowledge base is a must for one to fully enjoy the movie. Apart from that, nothing brings more joy to my heart than seeing intensely colored lightning bolts come out of a punch to the face, the words “riiiiiiiing” appear on screen and vanish as they trail to the phone, or the letters K.O. appear when Scott beats one of his opponents. Overall, the movie is a sight to behold simply because of its great laughs, amazing sequences, and stunning visual cinematography and special effects. It is definitely not like watching paint dry on a comic book rendition of a classic, 8-bit video game.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Get Him to the Greek" (2010)

"Where are you? Why haven't you called? I'm calling you right now and I just got hit by a motherfucking car."
I watched this movie quite a while back. If anything, it must be the most hyped up comedy this summer. It was pretty much plastered on every wall and displayed every 5 seconds on the television. Being a somewhat indirect yet direct spin-off of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", this movie centers around one of the secondary characters in that film, Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), and expands his universe so everyone gets to know who he is. I basically watched it because it was everywhere and, I must admit, it had me curious. I did not know what to expect, but I was ready.

The premise of the movie is simple…Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) has 72 hours to get Mr. Snow to The Greek for a show. He works for an agency called Pinnacle Records and is used to music and all that it encompasses. His girlfriend is Daphne (Elisabeth Moss), and they seem to have a one-sided (my opinion) relationship. He is a big fan of Aldous Snow, but not of his latest release, which has basically bombed in sales. Because of it, his career is in decline and his girlfriend, Jackie Q (Rose Byrne), has left him. At Aaron Green’s behest, Sergio Roma (Sean “Diddy” Combs) sends him to transport Snow to a show in The Greek to regain his spot as the greatest rock star of all time. What ensues is a wacky, insane, and painfully memorable trip that takes them pretty much everywhere.

All in all, the movie was very enjoyable. Undoubtedly, many people will be repeating lines from this movie for a while. The thing is, it is a good movie, but it is not memorable. It’s good to watch end enjoy, but you will not be recalling it when watching another comedy, saying “That’s like Get Him to the Greek.” It just won’t happen. Furthermore, it was a bit less funny than it was cracked up to be (notice I didn’t say it wasn’t funny, because it was). In the end, surprisingly, it has a little message to take home to your everyday life. Very enjoyable and quite funny, so go watch it and enjoy. This movie is like watching paint dry…if the paint is on a furry wall (you will get it if you see it).

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Dear John" (2010)

“No matter where you are in the world, the moon is never bigger than your thumb.”
Before you read any further, I want to say that this is my 1st Nicholas Sparks movie. I have heard much against his works (books), and much talk of “chick-flicks” or repetition. Considering this was my first viewing, it is a fresh start and, honestly, I didn’t dislike it like I thought I would. The movie was actually enjoyable. Even though the film was fraught with clichés and a foreseeable plotline (except for probably one major part), it is, above all, a nice movie that gives people the sad hopefulness that they were probably looking for when they decided to view it.

It centers on a man named John (Channing Tatum) that falls for a nice girl named Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) after he saves her purse from the dangers of slightly deep waters next to a pier. Their relationship then takes off for the huge expanse of 2 weeks, after which they openly admit that they have fallen for each other. John, though, is a military man, and must return for service. Leaving his lonely father, new acquaintances, and new love behind, he heads to the front lines in many army missions. Throughout the time he is away (12 months), he and Savannah agree that they will correspond via letters where they will detail everything about their lives to each other. Thus, their relationship takes off…and the law of entropy takes hold.

Overall, the movie is a nice break from the fast-paced and the comedy. The cinematography is somewhat stale: the main shots used are stills and lazy pans that make the movie move rather slowly. Apart from that, the clichés in the movie are undeniable (falling in love in 2 weeks, maintaining a relationship through letters, hunky guy with “girl next door,” etc.), and a couple scenes with Amanda Seyfried are acted at a sub-par level on her part. Beyond that, though, the movie was quite pleasant, and the feelings evoked by the main character (Channing Tatum) have the ring of honesty that one doesn’t see much in other movies. In the end, this movie is only worth seeing if you are in the mood for love, or if you have a significant other that you want to cuddle with and comfort. It basically boils down to every other “chick-flick,” but…I enjoyed it. This movie is like watching paint dry if the paint is attempting to make a long-distance relationship work.

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Repo Men" (2009)

What can be said about Repo Men? One could say that it is the movie adaptation of the novel The Repossession Mambo, which was penned by Eric Garcia who also wrote “Matchstick Men.” One could also write this movie off as a simple rip off of the fairly unknown, yet inventive, “Repo! The Genetic Opera” One could also take the movie at face value as an action movie staring Jude Law in an interesting, futuristic world that will surprise you with its gritty feel. One thing for sure is that this movie did hold my attention either through its atmosphere, intense gore, or white knuckle action for the full hour and fifty minute running time.

Repo Men is set in a futuristic world where organ failure is a spreading epidemic. Thank goodness that “The Union” exists. This company will loan out artificial organs at ludicrous prices that people must pay, or else hired “Repo Men,” will go out and reclaim the loaned out organ. The story focuses on one “Repo Man,” named Remy (Jude Law) who is the best of the best, until a fateful accident leaves him with a loaned out Union heart. As the story continues Remy cannot afford the payments and is left to run from the company he once worked for, which includes his best friend, Jake (Forest Whitaker). The story begins to take a turn after this point, and it takes some time getting to it, though I find it nice to explore this interesting world and delve into these would be, two dimensional characters.

Even though this movie is definitely not the best ever made I still found it entertaining in a “one-night thrill” sort of way. It will make for a good evening on the couch when you are craving some gritty, no holds, action. This is not for the weak of stomach as some of the scenes are very gory and the amount of blood is copious. I actually enjoyed the use of blood in this movie as it was realistic, not excessive, or too little (well until the end, but that is purposeful).

As far as the story goes I really did enjoy the first half of the movie. It does not happen very often, but this truly is a movie of halves. There is the first half, where the story, action, and dialogue are very tight and realistic; and, the final half, where aforementioned things begin to lose much of what made them good (which may be the intention, or not…I don’t know). The first half was the set up for the story and characters which was actually very entertaining, while the second was more about the action which was not that great, especially after the reveal of the ending, which will leave some with a sour taste in their mouth.

All in all, this entire movie was a strange mixture of cool atmosphere and Jude Law just kicking some ass. Take it for what it is worth. If you are looking for a good movie to quench your thirst for action and need a fresh story and environment this is your fix. For the others, avoid this film. This movie is like watching paint dry, but the paint is from a unique pallet and there are some drops of blood splattered across the canvas.

By V-Dawg