The Minority Report - "Immortals" (2011)

“Immortals” is not the epic, “300”-level movie that people were anticipating. It will not be remembered, and will quickly fade from the memories of those who paid for this visual spectacle. This movie is essentially the film equivalent of fireworks. It is pretty to look at, the audience will “ooh” and “ah,” but it will not make you feel any emotion deeper than “man, this is pretty.” Really, this movie is like the hot blonde at the bar: full of attractive looks, but cannot carry on a conversation for longer than five seconds (no offense to blondes, you’re all lovely women). The point is that “Immortals” is not winning any awards, but is capable of holding your attention for the entire running time.

The story follows Theseus (Henry Cavill) and his exploits fighting the Hyperion army led by their king (Mickey Rourke), while the gods intervene to help prevent the release of the titans. The story has been told countless times and is cliché. The dialogue essentially boils down to primitive grunts and gestures. It is just an excuse to drive the story along to lead the audience from one stunning looking local or amazing fight scene to the next. Speaking of the fight scenes, they are over the top, ludicrously bloody, and grizzly—what else could you want!? The acting is as unimpressive as the script. Regardless, this film was entertaining.

In the end, Immortals is nothing too special. It will not change your life or make you think. But, if you are looking for a movie to just turn off your brain after a long week at work, then this movie will do the trick. It is as violent as it is gorgeous. It is like watching a beautiful painting of a shirtless man kicking ass dry.


By V-Dawg

The Caucasian Report - "Bridesmaids" (2011)

~Off the Chain on the Airplane~
When I saw the trailer for this movie, I definitely thought it was going to be the type of movie I would enjoy. It looked like it had everything: two actresses from “Saturday Night Live” and all the crude humor associated with a Judd Apatow film. It had all the potential to be absolutely hysterical. However, most of the movie disappointed me…especially the first half. The people I saw it with thought it was ‘awesome’ or said it was ‘funny-funny,’ but I have to disagree. I would categorize it as ‘decent-funny.’ I would not go out of my way to watch this movie again.

The movie is about a single, middle-aged woman named Annie (Kristen Wiig) going through a rough patch in her life. After losing her bakery due to the recession and taking a major blow to her self-esteem in the process, we see that she has started letting the people in her life push her around. She is paying half the rent for the apartment she shares with two other people, her car is falling apart, and she is holding onto the false hope that the guy she is sleeping with is interested in more than just casual sex. When her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) gets engaged, she asks Annie to be her maid of honor. The engagement party is held at a swanky estate where Annie meets one of Lillian’s new acquaintances: Helen (Rose Byrne). She is an overdressed snob whom Annie feels immediately threatened by. Annie and Helen instantly clash as they each call themselves Lillian’s best friend. A competition to plan the best pre-wedding events, including the bachelorette party and bridal shower, quickly ensues. Unfortunately, everything Annie plans turns out to be one disaster after the next.

I did not enjoy the first half of the movie, as I laughed at maybe 10% of the jokes in that time. I found most of the acting annoying and forced, and some of the jokes went on much longer than necessary. The speech battle between Annie and Helen was funny maybe the first minute, but it definitely didn’t need to go as long as it did. Kristen Wiig’s acting is fine for SNL skits, but it’s a little too one-note and passive to pull off a main character in a feature length film. Most of the supporting actors were ok—nothing terrible, but nothing extraordinary. I did enjoy Melissa McCarthy’s portrayal of the butch of the group; it was crude yet confident, and that’s what made it stand out among the cast. The movie did have some genuinely funny scenes; it’s just too bad they had to happen toward the end of the movie. I found Annie’s misfortune during the airplane scene truly entertaining, and this was the best part of Wiig’s performance. And I do have to give this movie credit for having a developed plotline underneath all the raunchiness. Indeed, what made the second half of the movie better than the first was the character development. To my surprise, the movie actually had an uplifting, dare I say inspirational, message. I will let you watch it to find out what that message is. The first half of this movie is like watching paint dry in an empty paint can, but at least during the second half the can is half full.


By WhiteChick

The Caucasian Report - "Your Highness" (2011)

~Hot chicks and Minotaur dicks~
As a huge comedy fan, I could not pass up seeing “Your Highness,” especially when I was told of the cast: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel. I thought it was a somewhat random, but provocative combination of actors, and I was looking forward to seeing how they worked together. I found myself enjoying the movie and laughing at its crude humor. How crude, you ask? Well, let’s just say this: at one point, the main character cuts off a Minotaur’s penis and wears it as a trophy around his neck. So, if you are a fan of penis/sex jokes, this movie will not disappoint. This is definitely not a movie where you take someone who is offended by the word “fuck” to, as it was used A LOT. It was even modified into a new verb: “fuckening.” I’m sure you’ll have no problem figuring out what that means.

The film is about the quest of two brothers, Thadeous (Danny McBride) and Fabious (James Franco), to save Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from her ultimate fate—being impregnated by the evil Leezar (Justin Theroux), resulting in a dragon baby that would grant him the power to take over the world. Belladonna is Fabious’ love, and he will stop at nothing to rescue her. Also accompanying them on their quest is Thadeous’ man servant, Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker). From making out and smoking “herbs” with a wizard that resembles a purple yoda with a see-through skull and tentacle-like dreadlocks, to being lured into a trap by half naked forest women and battling a giant hand monster (that’s right hand monster, once you see it you will know what I mean), to getting caught in a maze with a snarling Minotaur (who happens to find Courtney very sexually appealing), their journey is far from boring. Along the way, they cross paths with the strong and independent Isabel (Natalie Portman), who is reluctant to share the nature of her quest. But the question remains: Will they succeed in rescuing Bella Donna before the fuckening begins?

This movie was not the best comedy I’ve ever seen, but it definitely wasn’t the worst. No doubt, it provides copious amounts of funny quotes that you can recite with your friends. It falls into the “more-ridiculous-the-better” category, and it achieves that very well—each scene gets more ridiculous than the next. You definitely couldn’t predict what was going to happen. That being said, you also can’t go into this movie expecting a lot of high-quality content. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. In regards to how the actors worked together, I was not disappointed. The sibling rivalry achieved between Fabious (the typical first born prince next in line for the thrown that the whole kingdom loves) and Thadeous (the jealous second born son) was right on. And, although separated for most of the movie, the chemistry between Fabious and Belladonna was convincing. Even the chemistry between Courtney and the Minotaur was well portrayed! Portman’s performance as the lone traveler was quite successful, including her take on trust issues and the ability to defend herself. The storyline builds on the “journey to rescue the maiden kidnapped by an evil overlord” concept and adds many unexpected twists that I guarantee it will make you laugh at one point or another. All in all, I was glad I saw this film and would recommend it to fellow comedy fans. This movie is like watching paint dry on fifty severed Minotaur dicks.


By WhiteChick

The Minority Report - "The Adjustment Bureau" (2011)

What if someone existed that influenced the course of humanity? This person would have the ability to assemble a group of people tasked with tracking the progression of humanity so that it does not go off a predetermined plan due to chance or free will. What if this person or entity got in the way of the person you love? This is the plot of “The Adjustment Bureau.” If you just suspend your disbelief and do not mind ignoring some flaws, you will have an enjoyable experience with this movie.

Matt Damon plays the character David Norris, who is a politician running for senate, who runs into Elise Sellas (Emily Blunt) fatefully one night, and instantly falls in love. David then wanders through life after that night searching for this mystery woman, eventually meeting her again on a bus, by pure chance. This was never supposed to happen, according to the “Chairman’s” grand plan, and thus begins a fight for love and persistence over written fate. Matt Damon does not give the performance of his lifetime, playing a normal guy who has to battle against extraordinary circumstances, but at times it just seems like it isn’t the most believable performance (which could also be the script’s fault). This then brings up the biggest issue with the film, which is that it feels rushed.

With its 106 minute running time, it suffers from the complexity of the issue at hand. It not only has to flush out an alternative universe and its set of rules, but also establish a tense and loving relationship between David and Elise. It simply doesn’t have enough time. Further, it could have been a better movie if it executed the ending better (maybe). Also, it had filler scenes (do I really need to see Matt Damon run all over town over and over? Though I ain’t complaining…), which could have been due to a lack of budget or time.

It had so much potential to be one of those films that is unique and inspiring, but instead ended up giving simple entertainment. One thing I do have to give it props for is that it combines two genres excellently: it kept the mystery alive throughout the film while also spicing up the romance in a very well put together equilibrium. I just left the theater thinking that it could have been so much more and not so predictable. In the end it was like watching paint dry into its predetermined fate decided by the “Chairman,” but it is still a pretty picture.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Despicable Me" (2010)

"Despicable Me" is despicably cute. There is no way to escape this fact about the movie. It bathes itself in this fact. It knows it’s adorable and takes advantage of it like a little kitten in the pound looking to be adopted. If this movie really was a kitten in the pound waiting to be adopted and you suddenly met eyes with this adorable little fluff ball, you would fall in love instantly. This is the exact effect this movie had on me. I fell hard for the cute comedy and quirky attributes that drive this film. Even though it is a cute film, it also has its flaws. As with its humor, as some jokes may miss the intended audience. There are some moments that fall flat. Also, Steve Carell as the voice of the lead never truly feels like he is an evil genius. With these issues aside, this movie was the perfect kids (and, let’s face it, all ages) movie.

The story is about Gru (voiced by Steve Carell). Gru is a super, evil genius that is a tad past his prime. Well, Gru gets this great idea to steal the moon. To steal the moon, he needs the aid of the crazy gadgets that he uses as if nothing in everyday occurrences. He also has an army of crazy, little, yellow, jelly bean looking minions that help in boosting the comic relief, and help a crazy old inventor (voiced by Russel Brand). Things hit a snag in his plan fast, and Gru then acquires the possession of three little orphan girls by the names of Margo, Edith, and Agnes. This is a cute little movie that is all about Gru discovering his true self as a villain, son, and a dad.

This movie was entertaining, and it was impossible not to smile. Try as you might to not show off that you have an inner child, it will shine through in this movie. I even found myself fighting off tears (Hey guys, it’s okay to show off your sensitive side here and there. The chicks love it.). This movie is nowhere near profound or really endearing, yet it has tons of charm something a lot of movies this day and age lack. Also, its unique art style was highly appreciated and flowed well with its extremely polished animation. This movie is like watching a 5 year old paint an adorable (yet piss poor) painting of her family—it may not be the best, but you will still hang it on your fridge.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Get Him to the Greek" (2010)

"Where are you? Why haven't you called? I'm calling you right now and I just got hit by a motherfucking car."
I watched this movie quite a while back. If anything, it must be the most hyped up comedy this summer. It was pretty much plastered on every wall and displayed every 5 seconds on the television. Being a somewhat indirect yet direct spin-off of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", this movie centers around one of the secondary characters in that film, Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), and expands his universe so everyone gets to know who he is. I basically watched it because it was everywhere and, I must admit, it had me curious. I did not know what to expect, but I was ready.

The premise of the movie is simple…Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) has 72 hours to get Mr. Snow to The Greek for a show. He works for an agency called Pinnacle Records and is used to music and all that it encompasses. His girlfriend is Daphne (Elisabeth Moss), and they seem to have a one-sided (my opinion) relationship. He is a big fan of Aldous Snow, but not of his latest release, which has basically bombed in sales. Because of it, his career is in decline and his girlfriend, Jackie Q (Rose Byrne), has left him. At Aaron Green’s behest, Sergio Roma (Sean “Diddy” Combs) sends him to transport Snow to a show in The Greek to regain his spot as the greatest rock star of all time. What ensues is a wacky, insane, and painfully memorable trip that takes them pretty much everywhere.

All in all, the movie was very enjoyable. Undoubtedly, many people will be repeating lines from this movie for a while. The thing is, it is a good movie, but it is not memorable. It’s good to watch end enjoy, but you will not be recalling it when watching another comedy, saying “That’s like Get Him to the Greek.” It just won’t happen. Furthermore, it was a bit less funny than it was cracked up to be (notice I didn’t say it wasn’t funny, because it was). In the end, surprisingly, it has a little message to take home to your everyday life. Very enjoyable and quite funny, so go watch it and enjoy. This movie is like watching paint dry…if the paint is on a furry wall (you will get it if you see it).

By Kulguy

The Minority Report - "Kick-Ass" (2010)

I just got out of the movie “Kick Ass.” I will be honest I am going into this review a tad biased as I have been hyped to see this movie after the first murmur of its creation. For me, the movie had to live up to a higher expectation than a regular viewer. It succeeded and surpassed my expectations—no, it seized my expectations and shredded it with its all around greatness. This movie grabbed me, shook me, and then finally shot me out of a window with a bazooka.

The story starts off slow (which is not a bad thing), introducing the main character of Dave Lizewski. Dave is a very average teenage kid. I can not describe him any more than that, he really is that average. The only thing that sets him apart from others is his dreams of being a super hero. Not a super hero that has special powers or abilities, just an attitude and straight morals. He ends up caught up in this self made world of masked vigilantes and a surprisingly deep conspiracy. The other “super heroes,” are not exactly what you expect, and have much character depth; especially the pair of Big Daddy, played by Nicholas Cage (giving one of his best performances in a long while), and Hit Girl, played by Chloë Moretz ("Diary of a Wimpy Kid", "(500) Days of Summer"), who gives one of the best and most profound performances that I have ever seen in a child actress. Do not expect a simple action movie from this, it’s not (but the action still rocks), the story rivals the best in the genre.

You must go see this movie. There are some things to be wary of before going to see this film. There is a lot of cursing and violence. This movie truly earns the “R” rating, so I implore you not to take your children to this movie, even though it may be tempting with the super hero subject. This movie does what Zombieland did with the zombie genre, but with super hero movies. It may be funny, but it still has an inspiring tale. In fact, I would even dare to say it is easily on par with “The Dark Knight,” a super hero movie with a highly more recognizable character, and a much larger budget.

Lionsgate has truly found the formula for success. They do not have a large budget and don’t need one. They simply need a good story and a compelling telling of the story. The director did a fantastic job with this movie, with its multiple turns and plot changes. I noticed a hint of inspiration from other action orientated directors and movies like “Sin City” and “Kill Bill.” I really must say that it is very rare for me to come out of a movie with absolutely zero complaints. Simply put “Kick Ass,” kicks ass. This movie is the Da Vinci of super hero movies and is not like watching paint dry, in fact this movie makes watching paint dry kick major ass.

By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Repo Men" (2009)

What can be said about Repo Men? One could say that it is the movie adaptation of the novel The Repossession Mambo, which was penned by Eric Garcia who also wrote “Matchstick Men.” One could also write this movie off as a simple rip off of the fairly unknown, yet inventive, “Repo! The Genetic Opera” One could also take the movie at face value as an action movie staring Jude Law in an interesting, futuristic world that will surprise you with its gritty feel. One thing for sure is that this movie did hold my attention either through its atmosphere, intense gore, or white knuckle action for the full hour and fifty minute running time.

Repo Men is set in a futuristic world where organ failure is a spreading epidemic. Thank goodness that “The Union” exists. This company will loan out artificial organs at ludicrous prices that people must pay, or else hired “Repo Men,” will go out and reclaim the loaned out organ. The story focuses on one “Repo Man,” named Remy (Jude Law) who is the best of the best, until a fateful accident leaves him with a loaned out Union heart. As the story continues Remy cannot afford the payments and is left to run from the company he once worked for, which includes his best friend, Jake (Forest Whitaker). The story begins to take a turn after this point, and it takes some time getting to it, though I find it nice to explore this interesting world and delve into these would be, two dimensional characters.

Even though this movie is definitely not the best ever made I still found it entertaining in a “one-night thrill” sort of way. It will make for a good evening on the couch when you are craving some gritty, no holds, action. This is not for the weak of stomach as some of the scenes are very gory and the amount of blood is copious. I actually enjoyed the use of blood in this movie as it was realistic, not excessive, or too little (well until the end, but that is purposeful).

As far as the story goes I really did enjoy the first half of the movie. It does not happen very often, but this truly is a movie of halves. There is the first half, where the story, action, and dialogue are very tight and realistic; and, the final half, where aforementioned things begin to lose much of what made them good (which may be the intention, or not…I don’t know). The first half was the set up for the story and characters which was actually very entertaining, while the second was more about the action which was not that great, especially after the reveal of the ending, which will leave some with a sour taste in their mouth.

All in all, this entire movie was a strange mixture of cool atmosphere and Jude Law just kicking some ass. Take it for what it is worth. If you are looking for a good movie to quench your thirst for action and need a fresh story and environment this is your fix. For the others, avoid this film. This movie is like watching paint dry, but the paint is from a unique pallet and there are some drops of blood splattered across the canvas.

By V-Dawg