The Minority Report - "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" (2011)

“If I don’t kill a man every now and then, they forget who I am.”
This was probably one of those movies that was very highly anticipated, as it opened the summer box office. That it did…with a bang: $90.1 million in domestic ticket sales and $256.3 in international ticket sales at the opening box office. It’s no wonder, too, considering it boasted what many girls with eyes glazed over claim is the sexiest pirate ever—Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). I don’t say “Captain Jack Sparrow,” since he doesn’t deserve to be called so this movie. The 4th installment in the “Pirates” series, seeks to maintain all the charm of its predecessors with a different story. It does a decent job, but obviously still suffers from the aches and pains of being a sequel.

The story revolves around the ever-eccentric Jack Sparrow, who has travelled to London to locate an impersonator that is recruiting a crew for a ship to find the Fountain of Youth. After rescuing his former crewmate, he has an encounter with the king, who offers him a spot aboard a vessel to discover the lost fountain before the Spanish. The expedition will be headed by none other than Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), who has become a privateer since losing the Black Pearl to Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Sparrow declines and escapes to unmask his impostor, who ends up being his ex, Angelica (Penélope Cruz). He ends up on Blackbeard’s ship, in a quest that will pit him against Spain, London, Mermaids, Juan Ponce de León, and Blackbeard, all leading up to the fabled Fountain of Youth.

Jack Sparrow’s quirkiness is still here in full swing, but the true acting prowess and the reason I chose the quote at the beginning is Ian McShane’s Blackbeard. He is the perfect villain. Emanating pure evil, controlling his ship with his sword, and making use of a crew of zombies, the man pulls it off no sweat. Even though the movie can get a bit hectic with the fighting sequences, it is still a fun ride for the beginning of summer. I wouldn’t give it as low a score as it has on Rotten Tomatoes currently, but it is definitely nowhere near as great as its predecessors. The 3D was also definitely not worth it, as there were probably 5 scenes that were noticeably done for the 3D effect. I watched it normally, and can safely tell everyone not to waste their money on it. This movie is like watching paint dry on the many islands and ships of the Caribbean.


By Kulguy

The Caucasian Report - "Bridesmaids" (2011)

~Off the Chain on the Airplane~
When I saw the trailer for this movie, I definitely thought it was going to be the type of movie I would enjoy. It looked like it had everything: two actresses from “Saturday Night Live” and all the crude humor associated with a Judd Apatow film. It had all the potential to be absolutely hysterical. However, most of the movie disappointed me…especially the first half. The people I saw it with thought it was ‘awesome’ or said it was ‘funny-funny,’ but I have to disagree. I would categorize it as ‘decent-funny.’ I would not go out of my way to watch this movie again.

The movie is about a single, middle-aged woman named Annie (Kristen Wiig) going through a rough patch in her life. After losing her bakery due to the recession and taking a major blow to her self-esteem in the process, we see that she has started letting the people in her life push her around. She is paying half the rent for the apartment she shares with two other people, her car is falling apart, and she is holding onto the false hope that the guy she is sleeping with is interested in more than just casual sex. When her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) gets engaged, she asks Annie to be her maid of honor. The engagement party is held at a swanky estate where Annie meets one of Lillian’s new acquaintances: Helen (Rose Byrne). She is an overdressed snob whom Annie feels immediately threatened by. Annie and Helen instantly clash as they each call themselves Lillian’s best friend. A competition to plan the best pre-wedding events, including the bachelorette party and bridal shower, quickly ensues. Unfortunately, everything Annie plans turns out to be one disaster after the next.

I did not enjoy the first half of the movie, as I laughed at maybe 10% of the jokes in that time. I found most of the acting annoying and forced, and some of the jokes went on much longer than necessary. The speech battle between Annie and Helen was funny maybe the first minute, but it definitely didn’t need to go as long as it did. Kristen Wiig’s acting is fine for SNL skits, but it’s a little too one-note and passive to pull off a main character in a feature length film. Most of the supporting actors were ok—nothing terrible, but nothing extraordinary. I did enjoy Melissa McCarthy’s portrayal of the butch of the group; it was crude yet confident, and that’s what made it stand out among the cast. The movie did have some genuinely funny scenes; it’s just too bad they had to happen toward the end of the movie. I found Annie’s misfortune during the airplane scene truly entertaining, and this was the best part of Wiig’s performance. And I do have to give this movie credit for having a developed plotline underneath all the raunchiness. Indeed, what made the second half of the movie better than the first was the character development. To my surprise, the movie actually had an uplifting, dare I say inspirational, message. I will let you watch it to find out what that message is. The first half of this movie is like watching paint dry in an empty paint can, but at least during the second half the can is half full.


By WhiteChick

The Minority Report - "Rango" (2011)

“Rango” is a story about finding out who you are, how to stay yourself in an ever-changing world, and being the person you created. Rango (voiced by Johnny Depp) is a chameleon who was confined to the glass walls of his terrarium and created characters and scenarios for him to play upon. One fateful day while traveling in the back seat of his owner’s car, his terrarium, with him inside, was ejected from the vehicle in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Rango then runs into a shaman-like armadillo that tells him that he needs to travel to the town of Dirt in order to find the water he needs to quench his thirst under the harsh, blistering sun. Once he reaches the town of Dirt, the movie changes. Previously, the movie was filled with action, comedy, and a modern feel. Once Rango gets to the town (about 15 minutes in), the movie seems to drift away from the comedy to focus on the western setting and story. Laughs will still ensue, but it was not like the side splitting beginning.

In fact, I can easily say that this movie’s story and feel make it not a children’s movie (even though it is produced by nickelodeon and is a computer generated cartoon movie). The film handles heavy subjects such as alcoholism and murder. The story is a western at its heart, but like good westerns, it may not be what a parent wants their children to see. The story is a murder mystery; the transformation of Rango from someone playing a part, to becoming the part, and a search for the most precious thing in the town—water. H2O is the life of the town of Dirt: people pay for items with it, need it, worship it, and it is, unfortunately, gone and has been for some time. Hope is all but lost until Rango shows up and inspires the town to search for water. But unfortunately, the story runs a bit dry from time to time with its hit-or-miss humor, lack of action, and general missteps.

One misstep is how it seems a tad confused as to who its target audience is. One would think that the director of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” films (Gore Verbinski) would know how to walk that fine line between being too mature for the younger audiences and being mature enough to grasp the attention of the older folk. It misses that completely and seems to be staying close to a dark, crude, western tale with some juvenile dialogue that seems vastly misplaced just to justify and keep its PG rating. This is most apparent in its happy ending that is directly contradictory to its overall dark theme. It dwells on death, deceit, and revenge, like most good westerns. Some of the dialogue and most of the humor is actually very crude, including alcoholism, smoking, and racism. If I was a parent, I would not take my younger children to this film.

What this film does do right is the animation. It is simply stunning, and shows a fantastic art direction. It is exaggerated and rich. Colors pop, light shines, and every detail is seen in brilliance. It is sometimes like watching art being painted upon the movie screen. The director knows this and makes sure that the animation in and of itself is another character.

The art and animation, unfortunately, are not enough to hold a viewer’s attention during one of its many slow parts. The movie was surprisingly sinister and mature. Overall, it was an enjoyable little film that should by viewed by fans of westerns, the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, or someone looking for a film that is vastly different from the normal Hollywood CGI films. In the end, it was like watching a gorgeous painting of a western ghost town dry under the desert sun.


By V-Dawg

The Minority Report - "Thor" (2011)

“Whoever wields this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”
Thor is just one of those movies. I had heard about it, but I wasn’t that intrigued by it. I knew what it was about and where it had come from (the Marvel universe, etc.), but I was just apathetic towards it. When V-Dawg told me that we should go see it, I agreed…who would pass up a good movie on a Friday night? We went with a huge group of people to the 3D screening (more on that later), and watched it. I must say, I was genuinely impressed by the movie.

The story centers on the gods of Norse Mythology. Here, though, they are aliens that live in the center of the galaxy. Their home called Asgard and had been at war with a species called the Frost Giants of Jotunheim in the past, but they had been dealt with until the day that Thor (Chris Hemsworth) was going to ascend to the throne and replace his father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins). Against his father’s orders, Thor decides to journey to Jotunheim along with his brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), his friend, Sif (Jaimie Alexander), and a group that has fought alongside him before, called the Warriors Three—Volstagg (Ray Stevenson), Fandral (Joshua Dallas), and Hogun (Tadanobu Asano). There, he confronts Laufey (Colm Feore), the leader of the Frost Giants, trying to find out how they managed to sneak into Asgard. A battle ensues because of Thor’s arrogance, and Odin has to save them from getting killed, pitting Asgard at war with the Frost Giants once more. As a result, Odin exiles Thor to Earth, and curses his hammer so that it may only be used by he who is worthy. From there, Thor has to figure out what has transpired in Asgard, and how to get back before it is too late.

The movie genuinely surprised me. From its honest humor to its overly dramatic fight sequences, I was drawn in. The dialogue was smartly written to contrast Thor’s upbringing from the mortals, and the acting was quite impressive. Considering the fact that this is a movie based on a comic book, it is an excellent breath of life for the superhero genre. The characters (by someone who was unaware or ignorant of the fact that this is based on a comic book) might come across as two dimensional, but for others, their personalities and back-stories are evident. One thing that bothered me was that the movie felt rushed. It was almost as if it was missing something. It’s an immensely enjoyable movie, nonetheless, and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to people. If you have the choice, don’t watch it in 3D, since it is unnecessary and adds nothing to the movie. Everyone that reads my writings knows my feelings towards 3D, but rest assured that you shouldn’t spend the extra money if you can. This movie is like watching paint dry on a hammer that gives the wielder Thor’s powers.


By Kulguy

The Caucasian Report - "The Mask" (1994)

~The Average Joe and the Coco Bongo~
This movie has been one of my favorites since I was a little kid, and it is one of the reasons Jim Carrey is my favorite actor. I remember whenever my parents said it was my turn to choose the movie we were going to rent, I would chose this one every time. Ok, maybe not every time, but we definitely rented it a hefty number of times. If you are ever in the mood for over-the-top, slapstick humor, this is the movie you should watch.

The movie is about the stereotypical “nice guy,” Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey), that gets pushed around by just about everyone in his life including his boss, landlord, and even his best friend. He is also a “hopeless romantic.” He is the guy that will go out of his way to get concert tickets for himself and his date, and give up his ticket when she decides she does not want to let her best friend sit home alone. But then, he meets and quickly develops feelings for Tina Carlyle (Cameron Diaz), a singer at a new club called the Coco Bongo. One night, when his car breaks down on a bridge, he thinks he sees a person in the water and rushes to help. When he finds out it was just a pile of debris, he comes across a mask that looks like it belongs to some ancient Amazonian civilization. There is no way he is prepared for what happens when he puts the mask on, and what follows is an adventure that feels like it came straight out of a Looney Tunes cartoon—complete with popping eyeballs and tornado locomotion.

Jim Carrey was definitely born to play this role. I can’t imagine this movie with anyone else playing the lead because Carrey’s level of wackiness, hardly rivaled by anyone, is needed for achieving “the mask’s” character. The way Carrey is able to transform from an average Joe into a “love-crazy wild man” is what makes this movie so entertaining. You can hardly believe that Stanley and “the mask” are the same person. The film offers everything from dance numbers to dream sequences, and even action scenes. The best scene of the movie is when “the mask” charms an entire police force into a conga line while impersonating Cuban Pete. This movie is like watching the paint that makes up the lettering on Wile E. Coyote’s “Help!” sign dry before he plummets off a cliff.


By WhiteChick

The Caucasian Report - "Your Highness" (2011)

~Hot chicks and Minotaur dicks~
As a huge comedy fan, I could not pass up seeing “Your Highness,” especially when I was told of the cast: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel. I thought it was a somewhat random, but provocative combination of actors, and I was looking forward to seeing how they worked together. I found myself enjoying the movie and laughing at its crude humor. How crude, you ask? Well, let’s just say this: at one point, the main character cuts off a Minotaur’s penis and wears it as a trophy around his neck. So, if you are a fan of penis/sex jokes, this movie will not disappoint. This is definitely not a movie where you take someone who is offended by the word “fuck” to, as it was used A LOT. It was even modified into a new verb: “fuckening.” I’m sure you’ll have no problem figuring out what that means.

The film is about the quest of two brothers, Thadeous (Danny McBride) and Fabious (James Franco), to save Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from her ultimate fate—being impregnated by the evil Leezar (Justin Theroux), resulting in a dragon baby that would grant him the power to take over the world. Belladonna is Fabious’ love, and he will stop at nothing to rescue her. Also accompanying them on their quest is Thadeous’ man servant, Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker). From making out and smoking “herbs” with a wizard that resembles a purple yoda with a see-through skull and tentacle-like dreadlocks, to being lured into a trap by half naked forest women and battling a giant hand monster (that’s right hand monster, once you see it you will know what I mean), to getting caught in a maze with a snarling Minotaur (who happens to find Courtney very sexually appealing), their journey is far from boring. Along the way, they cross paths with the strong and independent Isabel (Natalie Portman), who is reluctant to share the nature of her quest. But the question remains: Will they succeed in rescuing Bella Donna before the fuckening begins?

This movie was not the best comedy I’ve ever seen, but it definitely wasn’t the worst. No doubt, it provides copious amounts of funny quotes that you can recite with your friends. It falls into the “more-ridiculous-the-better” category, and it achieves that very well—each scene gets more ridiculous than the next. You definitely couldn’t predict what was going to happen. That being said, you also can’t go into this movie expecting a lot of high-quality content. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. In regards to how the actors worked together, I was not disappointed. The sibling rivalry achieved between Fabious (the typical first born prince next in line for the thrown that the whole kingdom loves) and Thadeous (the jealous second born son) was right on. And, although separated for most of the movie, the chemistry between Fabious and Belladonna was convincing. Even the chemistry between Courtney and the Minotaur was well portrayed! Portman’s performance as the lone traveler was quite successful, including her take on trust issues and the ability to defend herself. The storyline builds on the “journey to rescue the maiden kidnapped by an evil overlord” concept and adds many unexpected twists that I guarantee it will make you laugh at one point or another. All in all, I was glad I saw this film and would recommend it to fellow comedy fans. This movie is like watching paint dry on fifty severed Minotaur dicks.


By WhiteChick

The Minority Report - "The Source Code" (2011)

“Tell me everything is gonna be okay.”
Upon hearing about this movie (around the same time as “The Adjustment Bureau”), I was intrigued. Movies that play with the mind have a strange allure that is evident from the moment I hear of them. This film took the mind games a step further by utilizing memories as a way to create alternate universes in which crime solving could be done. Think of this movie as a new take on “Minority Report” that still manages to keep some humor and the idea of a fickle existence alive.

The story centers around Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal), who awakens on a train with no idea how he got there. Sitting in front of him is a woman he doesn’t recognize whom apparently knows him, Christina Warren (Michelle Monaghan). After attempting to find out what is going on, there is a sudden explosion on the train as it is nearing Chicago, and the Captain, along with everyone on board, is obliterated. He wakes up strapped to what appears to be a pilot’s chair in a chamber, where he is greeted through a computer by Captain Goodwin (Vera Farmiga). It is revealed that Stevens is inside a program called the Source Code, which allows him to take advantage of the 8 minutes of memory left behind on a deceased person’s mind by taking over their body for that time. In essence, an alternative reality is created that he can examine—a parallel universe, in a sense. That morning, a train bomb had detonated and killed everyone onboard. His mission is to return to the fake past, find the bomb, and discover who the bomber was in an effort to stop a suspected dirty bomb detonation in downtown Chicago by the same person. What follows is an examination of reality, human connection, and everyone’s ultimate fate.

I’m glad I got to see this movie. It’s filming is nothing special, but the way it handles itself and examines the different ventures into the Source Code is incredibly entertaining and well thought out. The feelings of sadness, confusion, futility, and eventual responsibility for the lives in this alternate reality are ingrained into every frame. You know as much as Stevens knows throughout the film, and you find out what is going on at the same time he does. The style begins in media res (in the middle of the action), and that lends to the mystery of the activity. This movie is only slightly like watching paint dry…but only if you were trying to use the Source Code to fix mistakes that had already been made.


By Kulguy